Abraham Lincoln once said to “win a person to your cause, convince him that you are his true friend.” By that did he mean you’re supposed to feign friendship? Did he suggest that you can only elicit cooperation and participation when others regard you as a true and lasting friend? Did he imply that unless you were liked and/or respected, you won’t be able to win others to your cause?

Inducing others to be on your side or to participate with you in some way when you can’t otherwise compel them to do so, in part requires them having some degree of affinity for you, what you’re seeking to accomplish, or the situation itself. Robert Cialdini, professor of Psychology at Arizona State University, who has studied persuasion for more than two decades says, “Though we don’t always realize it, we’re more likely to be influenced by people we like or identify with.”

I Like You, Do You Like Me?

In his book, Get Anyone to Do Anything and Never Feel Powerless Again, author David Lieberman states that “how someone feels about you is greatly determined by how you make them feel about themselves. You can spend all day trying to get them to like you and to think well of you, but it is how you make them feel when they are around you that is the key.”

Hmmm, have you given any thought lately to how peers, co-workers, or staff feel when they are around you? Or are you too concerned with how you feel when you’re around them?

Hard-driving, get-it-done-at-all-cost types sometime miss the forest for the trees in terms of associating with others, particularly when they regard people as a means to an end rather than unique individuals in association with each other to realize common objectives.

Lieberman refers to a process that he calls reciprocal affection, that essentially means that when we find out that someone else thinks well of us, we are unconsciously driven to think that person is more likeable as well.

Reciprocal affection occurs when two people, or groups of people, discover that they are liked, admired, or respected by each other. It is simply human nature to do so. When those individuals who you want to influence are aware that you like and/or respect them, given that you truly do, you increase the probability that they will like and/or respect you as well. From there, all kinds of things are possible.

Second and Lasting Impressions

Amazingly, mercifully, you can induce people to like or respect you even when you’ve known them for a while and the relationship hasn’t gone well. Lieberman poses the question “Who says you can’t get a second chance at a first impression?” If you did something completely inappropriate, by leveling with the other party, such as by saying “I feel so embarrassed,” you open the door to future participation and cooperation.

Extending yourself after acting inappropriately demonstrates that you’re aware your previous action or behavior was not acceptable. This conveys to others that you’re not likely to repeat the behavior. It also shows that you have the potential to be one of the “gang,” a full-fledged human being who takes responsibility for your actions.

Studies show that leaders of countries, from a U.S. President to the leader of a small and distant sovereignty, achieve higher approval ratings when they own-up to their blunders, however grave they may be, as opposed to attempting to whitewash them.

At work, when you’re willing to admit to a previous faux pas, you win psychological strokes that reduce people’s barriers to participation and cooperation. Not that you want to go around and do this as a ploy, nevertheless it’s fruitful to understand how and why people are persuaded.

Emotion First, Logic Second

Bert Decker, who wrote You’ve Got to Be Believed to Be Heard, says that “people buy on emotion and justify with fact.” If you’re old enough to remember President Jimmy Carter, you may recall that his primary approach to influencing others was to appeal to their intellect, using logical explanations and rational thought. The only problem with this approach is that people first need to be won over emotionally.

David Lieberman remarks that 90% of the decisions we make are based on emotion. “We use logic to justify our actions,” says Lieberman. “But if you appeal to someone on a strictly logical basis, you’ll have little chance of persuading them.”

Carter’s predecessor, Ronald Reagan, knew how to appeal to people’s emotions. For openers, he smiled a lot and the smiles seemed sincere. When seeking to influence others, he told stories, relied upon many facial expressions, and injected personal warmth and magnetism.

Speaking coach Bert Decker says, “Like-ability is the shortest path to believability and trust.” The fastest and easiest way to start this train in motion – to be liked – is to smile.

When people were primed and ready, Reagan then would deliver the rational portion of the argument. He’d hold up a chart or refer to some statistic. By waiting until he had first made the emotional connection, he was then able to make the logical connection.

Reagan was deemed a more effective presenter, and for that matter, a more effective President than Carter among media pundits from all sides of the political spectrum. Today, Carter’s speeches are all but forgotten and his presentation style is emulated by no one, whereas Regan is referred to as the “Great Communicator.”

Bert Decker succinctly observes, “If you don’t believe in someone on an emotional level, little if any of what they have to say will get through.”